Concert Etiquette

I don't know which fork is for salad and which course will come first. I may not be able to sit through an entire ballet or symphony, but I am an expert in concert etiquette. One of my favourite things is seeing live music and I'm lucky that most of the music I like tends to be shown in smaller venues so I can go see my favourite bands. Throughout the years I've noticed variations on what I call the "Concert Shithead" here they are:

1. The Chit Chatter
This is a person that chats with the person next to them, across from them, behind them, and anyone else who will lend an ear during slow quiet songs, song breaks, or when the band is trying to talk to you. The conversation is irrelevant and loud. The most recent Shithead I encountered committing this concert crime was at Hey Rosetta! just last week. During Yer Fall I listened to a girl talk about her grandmas car and how stale beer "totally sucks". I don't care about either of those things. I do care about Yer Fall.

prominent spot stealer at this Stars concert

2. The Spot Stealer

This is a particularily annoying Shithead. He or she tries to shove past the easy going concert attendees who have been waiting in line for the past hour to get at the front. These concert goers sacrifice basic needs such as peeing to maintain their positions at the front. The Shithead pushes these kind people to the side and steps in front of them until they must move back to avoid accidental groping. He or she is typically 6 feet tall or more.

3. The Grump
This Shithead does not want to be there but insists

In the muck and the mire

on standing somewhere in row 1-4. They complain loudly and wont move or clap with the crowd. Extensive texting, drinking, and grumbling is involved. I encountered one of these Shitheads on day 3 of Lollapalooza this summer. I waited 2 hours in the rain  up to my knees in mud to see Cold War Kids. Last show of the weekend. When the band started playing Hang Me Up to Dry the crowd starting splashing around in the muck and the mire when the band sang "splashing around in the muck and the mire". The guy beside me was wearing white pants in the muck in the mire. He got upset with me because i splashed him. You're wearing white pants in knee deep mud during a song about splashing in the mud. Put two and two together buddy.

4. The Drunk Chick
When one of these Shitheads started throwing elbows at Mother Mother last year to get to the front I became thankful that I'm not 18 anymore. This particular Shithead is typically barely legal or underage and is wasted off two beers. I only noticed this particular downfall of concert goers after an incident a few years ago when I became one of these Shitheads and spilled beer all over Said the Whale's posters and cried. I don't drink more than one at concerts anymore and neither should you; don't be a Shithead.


If all venues had a better screening process at the door concerts would be much better. A Shithead identifier should be appointed to weed these people out. Live music is fantastic. Just be nice, not a Shithead. Pleeease? :)