Lies

Lies girls tell vs what they actually mean...
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

These are actually super comfy heels guys, I can seriously walk in them all day
If I walk in these long enough my feet will go numb and no longer be in pain and my butt will still look good. It's a win-win.

I've really been eating healthy lately. Lots of spinach and non-fat Greek yogurt before I work out.
By spinach and yogurt I mean ice cream and pizza pops and by work out I mean Pretty Little Liars Netflix marathon.

Sorry we haven't hung out in a while I've been super busy with work!
Hanging out with you would require me to leave my apartment and put on pants. Not happening. I honestly would have a hard time even finding pants.

Let's do drinks sometime!!
See above.

You look cute... I didn't know we were supposed to dress up
Fuck you. 

*In response to a "hey what are you up to?" text...
Just chillin, what about you?
You can have a super vague response so if you ask me to do something that isn't 100% ideal for me I can make up a lie that would be pretty tough for you to fact check but really easy for me to lie about. Probably something like "I'm heading to my parent's for dinner pretty soon." Said lie can be used for anywhere from 1 - 5 hours.

I was just listening to a new music playlist on Songza!
I listen to Taylor Swift all day, everyday, until you get into my car. 

I'm not mad at you, I'm just upset.
Don't fall asleep or drink that water I gave you... It's poisoned. I'm waiting for a good opportunity to kill you.

Yeah, I'm dating casually.
I spend a lot of time with my dog. 

Let go patio hopping this afternoon! I haven't been day drunk in so long.
My drinking habits are a lot less concerning if I'm not alone.

I can't cover your shift tonight I have a meeting.
The Bachelorette is on.

Sorry I'm late, traffic was crazy.
The Bachelorette was on.

Can I take rain check? I'm not feeling really well tonight.
The Bachelorette is on. 

I'm fine!
Hahahahahahaha I'm going to make you wish you were never born asshole. 

Let this be your warning.